Could never forget...

I’ve been thinking long and hard on how I would go about writing this post.
Let me just start at the beginning.
Thirteen years ago while my DH and I were dating, he moved into an apartment with one of his friends. Pretty soon, we began throwing around the idea of getting a puppy. We had not really talked much at that point about where our relationship was heading, would we get married at some time? maybe. It was agreed this puppy would be both of ours.
We started looking at adds in the paper, and went to see some really cute puppies, but when we saw the parents, it didn’t feel like the right “breed” for us. After a couple of weeks of looking at the adds in the larger town’s paper, one night after work I drove home, it was a Wednesday, and in my parents town the newspaper only comes out once a week, on Wednesdays. When I got home, the paper was sitting on the table, so I thought why not, probably wouldn’t be anything in there, but it won’t hurt to look. I could not believe when I read “Golden Retriever puppies, FREE TO A GOOD HOME.” I called immediately, even though it was a little late. I apologized, and asked if they still had any left. She said that only two were left, so I told her I would come to see them the next day. She said that another lady wanted one too, and if I wanted to get to pick which one I wanted I should come get one right now. I got the directions to their house, and I hurried out the door! It was now dark outside, so when I got there I could only see them using my head lights. They were both little boys, and I just picked the fluffiest and biggest one. I was in love!!!
That first night he slept in a box that I pushed up right next to my bed. I kept checking on him throughout the night, cause he was so quite, I was not expecting that. I’ve had many puppies before, and they would always whine, and cry when left alone. I knew this one would be much different from any I have ever had before.
He slept in a box at DH’s apartment for about the first week, he outgrew it pretty fast. He was the typical puppy as far as chewing stuff up went. He had a couple of accidents too, but he was COMPLETELY house broken within two weeks. After that he never went in the house. We started sharing custody of this puppy due to our work schedules. I worked M-F, and DH went to the University, and worked some during the week, and some on the weekends. So he stayed at the apartment during the week, I would go over during lunch to let him out, or just to check on him, and then Friday night he would come home with me for the weekend.
What would we name him? Good question. Poor thing did not get a name right away because we could not agree on anything. We looked at baby name books, the Bible, you name it, and now I don’t even know where we came up with it, but he did eventually get named Dakota.
Over the next four years, DH moved a couple more times, and Dakota just went with the flow, Still coming home with me on the weekends. In February of 98 DH and I got engaged, and shortly after he moved back in with his parents to save money, so Dakota got to come live with me full time.
We moved to Florida after we got married, and we had to leave Dakota at my parent’s house until we bought a house of our own, it was only about three months, but there was not enough room in our little apartment for us and all the animals too, I have three cats also!
In January 2001, I went to Petsmart one weekend, and came home with Jack. He broke my heart, and I had to have him. He was not yet neutered when we adopted him, so he and Dakota got into a couple of “arguments” at first, but within a short amount of time they were best buds!
Both of our dogs got to be here when we brought both of our babies home from the hospital, they handled everything so well.
We have really been fortunate to have such a great dog, and now I have to share the hard part of this story.
For the past several years, I knew we were limited in our time with Dakota. He lost his hearing completely, for some reason, he would bark at night, we used to could just tap on the window, and he would stop, but he couldn’t hear us banging on the window anymore, we live in a subdivision, and we have heard the neighbors yelling for him to hush. I wanted to explain to them that he can’t hear, but I never got the chance to. He also has had bad hips, and it started out just occasionally limping or just being slow to get up, but the past few months, it was very obvious he was hurting, even with pain meds. My husband has been saying we needed to put him down, but for me I just couldn’t do it, he still seemed happy, and healthy, and he loved his food.
Unfortunately a couple of weeks ago, I started to notice a difference in his walking. He almost seemed like he was drunk, he would lose his balance, I just kept watching him. From that time, he went down hill very fast. He would sleep most of the time, staying in his dog house, only coming out to eat, and then not even eating with the excitement of it like he used to, I had to feed him out of my hand. He would lose his balance so much he fell a couple of times, and he was holding his head funny. What hurt for me just about the most, was he stopped giving kisses. This was a dog who gave kisses quite freely, to the point where we had to make him quit.
Now it was time for me, as painful as it was, I had to admit it to myself, he was not happy anymore.
I know I could have taken him to the vet to see what was wrong with him, but in my heart I knew it would only prolong things, his suffering, and mine, plus I did not want to put him through any testing.
The weekend before, I was trying to find the words to explain this to the girls. I knew Madilyn would not fully understand, I tried to start and tell Lily while we where on the way to the store one day, I got as far as saying “Lily, you know Dakota is really sick,” then I lost it when she said, “Yeah, he’s sick but we will give him medicine, then he’ll get better.” I said “No honey, he’s not gonna get better.” She then said “but if we don’t play with him when he dies, he will be all alone.” At that point I couldn’t even see to drive, I could not do this. I would be strong and take Dakota, but DH would have to tell the girls.
I have only had to put one other animal to sleep, and I was younger then. It was a cat that we had for about 10 years, and on that day, even though I planned to stay with her, when I got there, I just couldn’t. I have always regretted that, I should not have chickened out, I should have held her tightly.
I really wrestled with this decision, it did not come easily for me. Many of you know how much I love animals, and for me I just can’t help to think, it is not up to me to say when it’s time for an animal to die, that should be left up to the one in Heaven. But after doing research, I felt a little bit more at ease with it. This is one small part of what I found, and after reading it, I had no more doubts.
~ Remember, dogs are not afraid, they are not carrying anxiety and fear of the unknown. So for them it's only about whether this day holds enough companionship and ease and routine so that they would choose to have those things more than anything else and that they are able to focus on those things beyond any discomfort or pain or frustration they may feel. How great is his burden of illness this day, and does he want/need to live through this day with this burden of illness as much as I want/need him to? If I honestly believe that his condition is such, his pleasures sufficient, that he would choose to persevere, then that's the answer and we press on.
If, on the other hand, I can look honestly and bravely at the situation and admit that he, with none of the fear or sadness that cripples me, would choose instead to rest, then my obligation is clear. Because he needs to know in his giant heart, beyond any doubt, that I will have the courage to make the hard decisions on his behalf, that I will always put his peace before my own, and that I am able to love him as unselfishly as he has loved me.
I have cried so many tears this past week, mostly before I took him, I think mainly because I felt guilty, and also because I hurt for Jack, because he would be losing his best friend, his constant companion for the past seven and a half years. I had to stay with my boy, even though it tore me apart, I held his face and kissed his sweet soft muzzle. It was very quick, and also VERY peaceful, he did not seem scared to be there at all. As hard as it is to say, I actually felt relieved, while I was in agony, and through my tears, I felt at peace with it, cause I KNEW HE WAS NOT IN PAIN ANYMORE, and I knew he was once again running and jumping and playing like he once had done. The vet was very respectful, and told me I could stay with him as long as I wanted, and then he left us alone.
We decided to have him cremated, this house is not “our home” in the respect that this is not where I see us staying for the long haul. I would have chosen to burry him at my parent’s house, he loved it there so much, and loved running through their pasture. They live over two hours from us, and it would not have been a pleasant trip. We are going to scatter some of his ashes here. We told the girls so Jack can play with his spirit, and not be lonely. And scatter the rest in the pasture he loved so much.
Matt explained it to the girls this way. He told them when he was a little boy and when they had cats that were old or sick, and ready to die, the cats would go off into the woods, make a nest, and go to sleep, and never wake up. But we don’t live near any woods, and he can’t go off to build his nest, so mommy will take him to some people who will help him build his nest.
To say that I am heartbroken would be an understatement. He was one of the greatest, sweetest dogs I’ve ever known. He loved every creature, and everyone he met. He loved his baths, and even more loved rolling in the grass afterward. He loved his walks too (before his legs hurt too much) he would get all excited when he saw you coming with a leash, and even then he would always grab the leash in his mouth and pull you, as in saying “would you come on already!” I will miss him so, I’ll miss his funny personality, how he wiggled in between your legs, his kisses, and his smile, you’re probably thinking dog’s smile? He did, you can see it in some of the pictures.
I have tried to spend every possible spare moment with Jack. He is really doing better than I anticipated. I think he knew Dakota was sick. It is so hard for me to lock him back up at night, alone. I’ve started walking him nightly again. I quit a while ago, because I felt bad not taking Dakota along, he wanted to go so badly, but I know it would have hurt him too much to go. And he also barked the whole time we were gone. We took Jack to Petsmart the other day, and for a hike, he’s not used to this much exercise, he’s just a little (ahem) chubby, and he’s probably thinking, “What the heck is this, boot camp.”
I know this will take a while, he has been a part of our family for so long, he was our first “baby!”
And we will never ever forget him!